I have had a hard day. Hubby went into the hospital for the zillion-and-tenth time in the past year. And I love him, but instead of feeling positive, “it’s gonna get better” thoughts, I’ve been thinking “how long can I live with this” thoughts.
On one hand I feel guilty, but on the other hand I’m trying to validate the negative thoughts and saying they’re rational at this point, and that I shouldn’t hate myself for wondering at what point I should give up.
(Knowing that part of my feelings are probably because I’m in my Moon Time, and tomorrow I could wake up and be back to positivity.)
Luckily I have had my family with me for part of the night, and I’ve been venting a lot of frustration to them. So I won’t post all the specifics here, but suffice to say I’ve been complaining about a lot of things. On the way to the hospital I was listening to Cyndi Lauper and one of the lyrics was “I wish you could wrap yourself around me, I’d be released in your tenderness.” And I started crying and knew that when my mother got there, I needed to sit with my head on her chest, like when I was little, and have a good long cry.
And that’s what I did. And I didn’t feel shame that other people saw me like that. It was an ER waiting room, and I’m sure it happens all the time. I needed to get out the frustration that had been building in the past week or so (and probably left over from many previous trips to the hospital).
And then, as I said before, I have some guilt for the horrible things I thought and said tonight, but I’m trying to validate my feelings and remind myself that it’s okay to have horrible thoughts, and to say them. As long as it’s not all the time, and there’s good reason, it’s okay. I need to release the negativity inside me so I can move on.
Then I read a post on an online forum which said:
You are totally allowed to have those negative feelings. And if you keep trying to avoid them, they are going to find new and creative ways to get back into your life.
Perhaps take some time to sit with your feelings? Light a candle, and just sit with all the negative feelings. Take time to get to know them, examine them, and decide if you still need them… you might. Otherwise, see if you can go forward without them.
I didn’t light a candle, but I did talk my negative feelings out with my mother, father, and sister – the backbone of my support system, these three are. And now that I’m home by myself, I’m allowing the thoughts to arise as they will. And then I am letting go. I won’t let them keep their hold on me. I need to feel them, and then move on to better, more constructive things… like sleep. Not enough sleep lately. Turn the phone off, I need to sleep in.