Inspired by Samantha’s blog post “I was happier when I was shallow…”

I was happier too in the past… My personal situation is dealing with a husband who has been in and out of the hospital for about a year now (mostly a bad back, but other little things too like flu/pneumonia, and a concussion). We were married not even three months when this all started, and it seems like he’s been in the hospital more often than he’s been at home.

Right now (most days) I would give anything to go back to the days before every day was a struggle, and a question of how bad he feels today, and when will he be in the hospital again?

But then on the other side, I have grown a lot in this past year. I have found in myself courage, positivity, strength, determination, love… all at levels I didn’t know I could reach. I know life sucks a lot for us right now, but knowing what I have been through makes me sure that I can get through any smaller obstacle that comes my way in the future. If and when my husband is “all better” and we can start a family, pregnancy and labor will be a walk in the park compared to what I’ve been through.

I’m not the only one who has seen the change in me… or maybe not change, maybe this was all in me the whole time, and this is just what it took to draw it out and show everyone what I’m made of. Anyway, I posted something on Facebook a couple — weeks ago? months ago? I’ve lost my sense of time — about the situation, Mark being in the hospital again or something, and my dad replied by saying “A stronger woman the world has never known.” Others have remarked, “I don’t know how you can stay so positive all the time,” and “You act like this isn’t bothering you too much, but I know you’re feeling it on the inside.”

Last night Mark drove himself to the ER at 3:30am because he was concerned that he was coughing up blood (it wasn’t a lot, and I was not worried… I didn’t go because I needed to try to sleep so I could be at work today). He was there about 3 hours and got back home about 7am just as I was waking up. And then when I asked what happened, he said he didn’t want to talk about it. I am reeling a bit. I have been there for him every step of the way, and now he doesn’t want to tell me about what happened?

I don’t even know how to react. I left early and got to work about 40 minutes early this morning just so I wouldn’t be at home with him not speaking to me. Hoping he just needs time to get over ((whatever happened)) and that by the time I get home he will talk to me about it. If not, I think I’m gonna go spend the weekend at my parents’ house.

Yes, I was definitely happier before all this mess started, and I want it to be over soon.


Added three years later:

This post was written a long time ago, and back then I set the post to private. Now I am making it public. Maybe it will help someone else some day to see that even when you are strong through bad times, you can get through moments like this. We are still happily married, and what we had been though at the time I wrote this is nothing compared with what we have been through since.

This entry was posted on October 16, 2010, in Mark. Bookmark the permalink.