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Inspired by Samantha’s blog post “I was happier when I was shallow…”

I was happier too in the past… My personal situation is dealing with a husband who has been in and out of the hospital for about a year now (mostly a bad back, but other little things too like flu/pneumonia, and a concussion). We were married not even three months when this all started, and it seems like he’s been in the hospital more often than he’s been at home.

Right now (most days) I would give anything to go back to the days before every day was a struggle, and a question of how bad he feels today, and when will he be in the hospital again?

But then on the other side, I have grown a lot in this past year. I have found in myself courage, positivity, strength, determination, love… all at levels I didn’t know I could reach. I know life sucks a lot for us right now, but knowing what I have been through makes me sure that I can get through any smaller obstacle that comes my way in the future. If and when my husband is “all better” and we can start a family, pregnancy and labor will be a walk in the park compared to what I’ve been through.

I’m not the only one who has seen the change in me… or maybe not change, maybe this was all in me the whole time, and this is just what it took to draw it out and show everyone what I’m made of. Anyway, I posted something on Facebook a couple — weeks ago? months ago? I’ve lost my sense of time — about the situation, Mark being in the hospital again or something, and my dad replied by saying “A stronger woman the world has never known.” Others have remarked, “I don’t know how you can stay so positive all the time,” and “You act like this isn’t bothering you too much, but I know you’re feeling it on the inside.”

Last night Mark drove himself to the ER at 3:30am because he was concerned that he was coughing up blood (it wasn’t a lot, and I was not worried… I didn’t go because I needed to try to sleep so I could be at work today). He was there about 3 hours and got back home about 7am just as I was waking up. And then when I asked what happened, he said he didn’t want to talk about it. I am reeling a bit. I have been there for him every step of the way, and now he doesn’t want to tell me about what happened?

I don’t even know how to react. I left early and got to work about 40 minutes early this morning just so I wouldn’t be at home with him not speaking to me. Hoping he just needs time to get over ((whatever happened)) and that by the time I get home he will talk to me about it. If not, I think I’m gonna go spend the weekend at my parents’ house.

Yes, I was definitely happier before all this mess started, and I want it to be over soon.

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Added three years later:

This post was written a long time ago, and back then I set the post to private. Now I am making it public. Maybe it will help someone else some day to see that even when you are strong through bad times, you can get through moments like this. We are still happily married, and what we had been though at the time I wrote this is nothing compared with what we have been through since.

This entry was posted on October 16, 2010, in Mark.

Sitting in Negativity

I have had a hard day. Hubby went into the hospital for the zillion-and-tenth time in the past year. And I love him, but instead of feeling positive, “it’s gonna get better” thoughts, I’ve been thinking “how long can I live with this” thoughts.

On one hand I feel guilty, but on the other hand I’m trying to validate the negative thoughts and saying they’re rational at this point, and that I shouldn’t hate myself for wondering at what point I should give up.

(Knowing that part of my feelings are probably because I’m in my Moon Time, and tomorrow I could wake up and be back to positivity.)

Luckily I have had my family with me for part of the night, and I’ve been venting a lot of frustration to them. So I won’t post all the specifics here, but suffice to say I’ve been complaining about a lot of things. On the way to the hospital I was listening to Cyndi Lauper and one of the lyrics was “I wish you could wrap yourself around me, I’d be released in your tenderness.” And I started crying and knew that when my mother got there, I needed to sit with my head on her chest, like when I was little, and have a good long cry.

And that’s what I did. And I didn’t feel shame that other people saw me like that. It was an ER waiting room, and I’m sure it happens all the time. I needed to get out the frustration that had been building in the past week or so (and probably left over from many previous trips to the hospital).

And then, as I said before, I have some guilt for the horrible things I thought and said tonight, but I’m trying to validate my feelings and remind myself that it’s okay to have horrible thoughts, and to say them. As long as it’s not all the time, and there’s good reason, it’s okay. I need to release the negativity inside me so I can move on.

Then I read a post on an online forum which said:

You are totally allowed to have those negative feelings. And if you keep trying to avoid them, they are going to find new and creative ways to get back into your life.

Perhaps take some time to sit with your feelings? Light a candle, and just sit with all the negative feelings. Take time to get to know them, examine them, and decide if you still need them… you might. Otherwise, see if you can go forward without them.

I didn’t light a candle, but I did talk my negative feelings out with my mother, father, and sister – the backbone of my support system, these three are. And now that I’m home by myself, I’m allowing the thoughts to arise as they will. And then I am letting go. I won’t let them keep their hold on me. I need to feel them, and then move on to better, more constructive things… like sleep. Not enough sleep lately. Turn the phone off, I need to sleep in.

This entry was posted on September 18, 2010, in Mark.

Really good news

My husband came home from my parents’ house today! 😀 Crossing my fingers and knocking on wood that he is home for good, and going uphill from here. The concussion symptoms are gone, except for occasional mild headaches, and his sense of balance is perfect.  He just has to continue resting and healing his back now.

When we got home today we spent an hour cleaning up around the apartment a bit, and it looks a lot better. We have a long way to go still, but it’s a start. I actually like to clean when he’s here cleaning too. And even though tomorrow is Monday I’m not working, so we can spend another full day together, a little cleaning and a little shopping for necessities (toilet paper, aluminum foil), and a lot of quality time together.